What no one tells you about friendships

I’ve answered the call to adventure a couple of times in my life. First, when I did my undergraduate degree at Oxford University. Right after that, I spent a year in London doing an internship with a human rights magazine. 

The second time, I resigned from my secure career at a medical center and bought a one way ticket to Bali, Indonesia. I used Ubud as a home base for almost three years while I traveled around South East Asia and India. 

Those were transformational experiences before I even understood what the word “transformational” meant. (At University I thought  “transformation” was something that happened after popping a few pills and raving all night. 🙄)

What I’ve experienced after returning home after those callings, is that people fall out of your life. The old ways don’t fit anymore. And there are always certain people you don’t want to spend your time (and energy) with anymore.

The common ground, approval or attention that was once deeply important has vanished. For both of you. 

In this process, my friendships and my discernment around choosing the people closest to me, has become richer and deeper. 

Now, my inner circle only consists of people who are both fun and supportive. We lift each other up and my tanks are always full after we’re together. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. 

We laugh, play, share sorrows and sadness. No matter what side of my bad ass (and dorky dancing 💃) self is showing up, I believe and trust we love each other. 

I don’t feel like I need to defend myself or my choices. 

Each time I’ve returned home, there’s always been a certain amount of pain and disappointment around a change of heart in friendships. 

And I’ve grappled with that in different ways each time. 

After college, I wasn’t graceful or grateful. And I hurt people in the process. 

If I could go back and talk to that 23 year old girl returning from London, struggling with depression and desperately trying to look like she had it together – I know exactly what I’d say to her. 

“Give yourself a break my friend. And be kind to yourself and others.” 

I’d help her see that she needed to let people know how much she cared about them. And that no matter what the college experience was like, their friendship was still special to her. 

And that she’s sorry she didn’t make more of an effort to make them feel that way. She was struggling with looking like she had it all figured out and had made a great choice for her future. 

And the 43 year old woman who returned after three years in Bali… (when she said she was only going for 3 months 😯 ) well, she returned with a very wise spiritual and writing mentor. 

My friend Jane gave me some sage advice I’ve followed ever since. 

She told me relationships are meant to be elastic and not static. We have this unrealistic expectation that a relationship can stay the same while we’re growing and changing.

So imagine you’re the center of a ball of rubber bands and each relationship has one of the bands. 

They can’t all be in the same place at the same time.

While some relationships move in closer to you, others will naturally move further out. 

Expect that, and imagine you’re still connected through these bands. Some people are just being pulled in a different direction. 

That helped me become gentler and kinder when I felt disappointed or blown off. 

And I began turning to people who were more curious and interested in sharing the experiences we’d both been through. Whether they had traveled or not. 

I found a lot of emotional common ground in unexpected places. 

So what do I love most about my salty, skeptical, yet gentle self now? 

The depths of my friendships. 

I’m so grateful for the people in my life who I can always turn to no matter where I live, or what adventure I’m called to. 

I have a dear friend I’ve known since I was 6 months old and another since 6th grade. And through the years we’ve moved in and out of each other’s daily lives like we’re attached through that elastic band. 

We kept in touch maybe once a year while our lives were moving in different directions. 

Then, unexpectedly found ourselves back in San Francisco at the same time. And settled into a deeper, richer relationship and rhythm with our friendship. 

And I’ve made new friends who feel like we’re connected through that elastic band. Moving in and out of each other’s daily lives, yet still feeling connected no matter where we are. 

The depth and discernment of my friends has only gotten better with time. 

What’s something about yourself that’s gotten better over time?